Archive for joy

Be Your Own Valentine

Be your own valentine video by Jan Haas, coach

Be your own valentine video by Jan Haas, coach

It is wonderful how Valentine’s Day comes during  this week of practicing random acts of kindness.  If you are like me, sharing kindness with others is easier than sharing it with myself.  We forget that the airlines always say, secure your own oxygen mask before helping others.  Today, I made myself a Valentine.  Watch the clip, and then tell me how you are going to treat yourself with kindness and love this week.

Happy St. Lucy Day!

Good things are worth waiting for- that is the message today as we celebrated the Feast of St. Lucy at our house.  It is the morning when all the candles are lit, and after getting Sarah out of bed with song, she lit our Christmas tree for the first time this season.  Breakfast of bacon ( of course!) eggs and pumpkin scones were shared by the lights of the tree, and the candles all around us. George Winston”s December CD  played in the background, music that always brings me back to this time of year.  All of our eyes contained bittersweet tears, knowing that next year, Sarah would be waking up in a dorm room on a college campus, and Tony and I would celebrate the morning without the joy of our three daughters, yet in the love of each other.

We started celebrating St. Lucy Day almost 18 years ago. It is a special day used to mark importance, to stop us in our tracks and  remind us to look for the sacred in the midst of our every day lives. Our holiday season seems to be taken over by constant commercialization. It is good to be quiet, to pause and soak in the light and love around us.

I struggled to wait for St. Lucy’s Day. I hosted two gatherings this month, including my gluten free cookie exchange last night when I was  tempted to light the tree. But Sarah kept telling me this was her last St. Lucy Day at home, and she didn’t want to be cheated out of the moment.

And what a wonderful, yet fleeting moment is was- before I knew it, the sun was rising, Sarah was finishing a paper for school, I packed her lunch and she was out the door.

As I sit and write this, the candles are still glowing and I can feel the warmth of of their light surrounding me. I know that what we have is amazing and special. Even if it was only a few moments together for breakfast before our beautiful Christmas tree, I know the moment will carry me through the day and remind me to bring light wherever I go!

On this feast day of light,  shine your light in the darkest corners of life and see what magic can happen in the moment!

Please Support Me in Launching my E-book and Review my Book Today

Hello!  Happy Thanksgiving!  This is my favorite time of year, because I have a day set aside to remember all the blessings in my life, and your friendship and the community we share are things I am grateful for.

You will be hearing more from me in the coming weeks as my Moving Mountains book launches as an E-book. And during the initial launch time, the book will be available free of charge for kindle users!   I will need your help spreading the word, so look for more news to come.
In the mean time, the best way to help me is to review my book at Amazon.  All the reviews help rank my book, giving it a better chance of being seen. Can you spend five minutes writing a review?  I don’t care about the number of stars you give my book, but if you could, I would love for you to use one or more of these key words in your review:
Courage, compassion, connection, vulnerability, gratitude, belonging, love, joy, overcoming illness, peace, community

Once you have written a review, can you please click the Like button on my author page? .  Finally, if you have not ordered a copy of my book and are waiting for the e-book version, please add my book to your wishlist.

Thank you again for your friendship and support.  I greatly appreciate it!  If you know of someone else who read my book who might be willing to review it for me, please pass this email along.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Reflecting on Self Care

I am rereading a book I love called “A Weekend to Change Your Life” by Joan Anderson.  I may be writing several blogs on the activities she has to help women discover their own passions and re-ignite a desire to take care of self.  The calendar activity was an eye opener for me.

On a clean sheet of paper, without the use of your daytimer, try to remember back to the activities you engaged in over the past year.  Start with January and move to the present day.  Once you have events listed, put a square next to the activities that exhausted you, a triangle by the ones that invigorated you, a heart by the ones spent with a significant other, and a circle by the experiences that were just for you.

As I moved through my year, I became aware of how my days were occupied by work and  family life, and how  little time was focused on me or on my relationship with Tony.   As I looked over the page, I wondered how many of my activities I did because I truly loved them, or I did out of duty or necessity.  While there were some fun things like Becca’s college graduation, and trips to Iowa to do some speaking and college tours, and having all three girls plus guests at home this summer, those things also took a lot of energy. Sometimes my weeks were filled with nothing but exhausting activities.  What was glaring at me was the lack of scheduled downtime in my months, no vacations, no chunks of time away to rejuvenate or re-energize.  And other than the regular energy work exchange with a good friend, there were no scheduled times for self care.

It was a great exercise for me to see what was clearly lacking in my life so I can make different choices in the future.  Tony and I sat down this morning to plan some dates before the end of the year, and we have plans to get away for two days in January.  I am re-evaluating my exercise schedule, wondering how I can find a pool to start swimming, which I haven’t done for years. For some reason, the water is calling me and I would like to honor that desire.

As the girls are all on their journeys moving out into the world, it is a perfect time for me to take the journey inward, and plan out events that allow me to experience the joy of self, and rediscover my own passions.  My inner journey toward self love will change the look of next year’s calendar.  I hope that when I complete this exercise next year, less squares will show up and a lot more hearts and circles will fill the page.

What do you want your self-care to look like in the next year?  If you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen.  The time is now.

Taking Things for Granted

We would give anything for what we have.

Tony Hoagland

When I saw this quote today, I knew that I would have to write about it.  In this season of harvesting the crops and all the bounty of the land, we forget to look at the abundance of our own lives.  I have been in a place of looking at what I don’t have, rather than what I do have.  This quote hit me hard this morning, as I realized I have not been looking at the abundance and gifts that are in my life.

Any of us would fight to have a beautiful home, cars to drive, children that are smart, healthy and happy, a relationship with a spouse that is supportive, encouraging and loving, and friends that we meet on our journey of life.  We would give anything to be healthy.  Sadly, sometimes we have to lose something before we stop taking things for granted.

I am busy writing about my healing journey fifteen years ago when I spent almost 150 days in the hospital.  Remembering where I was gives me a new perspective on where I am.  It reminds me that I have the strength within me to overcome all kinds of odds.

Now I am looking at all the gifts, both material and intrinsic that are a part of my life.  I am grateful every day to get to encounter the Divine through the people I meet.  And I am grateful for the reminders to be on the lookout for abundance.  It is all around us, and it is ours to enjoy.  Are you in the act of receiving, or are your arms crossed, pouting because you don’t have that one thing that eludes you?  Accepting the gift is a choice.  What are you choosing in this present moment?

What if We Really Trusted God?

So how would your day be different if you really trusted that God would not let you down?

This is the question my fifteen year old has been pondering this week, and I have been pondering along with her.  My initial answer would be that I would live without fear, because I would know deep in my heart that all things would work out as they should.  Now living my life that way takes a lifetime of trust, and I still feel like a fledgling on this journey.

I had the opportunity to meet an associate publisher from Random House through a mutual friend, and we shared over a cup of coffee on Saturday.  She asked me why I was writing my book.  I gave her three answers.  1)  I have always been a writer and a childhood dream was to have a book written by the age of 30.  Instead, my healing story took place when I was 30.  2)  Writing about my story is healing my past, and giving me courage to live more fully in the present.  3)  I believe I have a story of hope and light to share.  She was relieved to hear that I wasn’t just writing a book for a certain niche, that I was actually writing a story from my heart.

We discussed the joy I feel when I am writing and I was thinking to myself, “If only I trusted God that my writing would someday provide some income for me.  If only I wasn’t concerned about paying bills and adding to the family budget, then I would have more time to write.  How do I know I am doing the right thing?”  She mentioned she knows a  pulitzer prize winning author who wrote his first book in two months on a work computer, knowing his job would end and he wouldn’t have the computer any longer.

Have you ever asked God for a sign, and then when it came, you just shrugged it off and asked for another sign?  As if the joy I feel when writing isn’t a sign enough that my words need to be shared.  After coffee, I walked out to my car, and right beside my door was a heads up penny.  (I have been told by my daughter that if it is tails up, you turn it over and leave it for the next person!)  Loose change on the ground in my path has always been a sign that someone is listening to me, and that the money will come if I just trust my heart. After all, doesn’t it say right on the coin, “In God We Trust?”  It was another sign that yes, in fact, writing is my first priority and getting my book published will open up many opportunities for me.

And it didn’t just happen once.  I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and when I got back to the car, another heads up penny was right by my car door.  The angels must have been having fun watching my surprise.  I smiled and for a moment, I remembered that God really won’t let me down.  I trust that all I need is just waiting for me to receive it.  I just need to open my arms and fully embrace the life I am living, even with its challenges.  I am right where I am supposed to be, learning from life and applying my learning to new situations.   And on Saturday, I took one more step on my journey toward more trust in the way life unfolds.

I Miss You Mama!

It doesn’t matter if the message comes over the phone, by text, or through a facebook message, those four words can always melt my heart.  My oldest daughter is studying abroad in Greece this semester, and it has been difficult to not be in contact with her.  When she is away at college, we usually will talk once a week, and text in between.  Now that there is a 9 hour difference and a lot more pocket change involved, we get to Skype every three weeks or so, when we can actually schedule time together.   I know Becca is having the time of her life, experiencing new people and cultures, new places and food.  I know that she is learning because I see pictures of her sitting in museums, actually in the presence of the art she is studying.  And she writes a blog to tell us of the exciting things she has done, like riding a donkey up a hill in Santorini.

Yet the distance and time between us matters so little when she reaches out and says, “I miss you Mama.”  Becca is the only one of my daughters to call me Mama.  I am not sure when it began but it is such an endearing term to me, and no matter how old she gets,  I am taken back in time to when she was young enough to sit in my lap and read books together,  snuggled in on the couch.  I see her smiling face. I hear her laughter and her spirit surrounds me in joy.

It is nice to know that wherever she is in the world, she still thinks about home and the comforts that our family brings to each other. It is nice to know that far away from my arms is never too far from my heart.  I miss you too Becs!

Gratitude

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.

Meister Eckhart

I had the luxury of spending the weekend at the family cabin on Columbine Lake right outside Grand Lake.  It was an amazing weekend to spend by myself, organizing my journal from 15 years ago into the story called She Moved Mountains.  It is the story of my journey back to health over a years time.  As I was organizing the section I call “The Long Haul,” I was almost physically sick thinking about what my husband and I did to survive- countless dressing changes on an open belly wound, weekly trips to doctor’s offices, and lots of unknowns about my physical health.  I hope that my condensation of the summer of my illness allows the readers to get a glimpse of what we went through, and how we came out on the better end of the deal.

I am grateful to Fran and Carol for letting me stay at the cabin.  It is an amazing place and this time of year is magical.  I loved getting up early to see the fish jump at least a foot out of the water to catch their breakfast.  The aspen are turning and although the nights are cold, the days were in the 60s and 70s- just perfect for several walks around the lake.  I even climbed the winter sledding hill and found a nice rock perch on which to view 360 degrees of mountains.    I reflected on my life, especially in relation to where I was 15 years ago on the brink of death, and I realize just how precious life is, and how spectacular my life is now.  I have an amazing husband who loves me and who supports my dream to write this book.  I have beautiful daughters who continue to bless my life with their laughter and wisdom.  And I have countless friends who grace my life with their own experiences.  I am richly blessed.  The only response that could possibly express what I was thinking was “Thank you.”

Happy St. Lucy Day

It is early morning on the 13th of December, and one by one, the votive candles are lit throughout the house.  A special breakfast of bacon and homemade scones grace the table and the smell of coffee fills the air.  St. Lucy’s Day is a holiday celebrated more in Europe, where usually the oldest daughter wears a wreath of candles in her hair or carries a candle through the house and welcomes all to the breakfast table.  It is often called “The Festival of Lights” so we use this day to light our Christmas tree.

Because it is so dark and early on this Sunday morning, my husband and I light the candles and prepare the table, letting the girls sleep a couple of extra minutes.  Tony will be leaving for work soon, so we want to celebrate this day together,

“Oh Come oh Come Emmanuel” echoes through our halls as we wake up the girls.  We process down the stairs and light the Christmas tree for the first time this season.

Eating our breakfast together in the glow of the tree, we talk about what areas of our life need more light, and wonder how we can bring light to the darkness in the world.

How can I be light to others in this new year?  I will grow my online presence, reaching out to more people with my written words of reflection, hope and awareness.  If I can help just one person become more aware of how the Divine is constantly working in our lives, then I have been successful.  I am also helping people find a strategy to exit this recession and start making an income stream separate from a normal job.  I am committed to learning online strategies to reach out to those who are looking for a change.

Mostly though, I am working on myself, cleaning out the dark areas of my heart where anger, resentment and jealousy reside, and bringing them to the light.  I know that in order to affect the world around me, I have to be willing to work on me first.  I create space in my own heart so the love of Jesus can shine through me, and I can help bring more light to those who live in darkness.

As I look around my breakfast table, and see the glow of lights reflected in the faces of my family, I am grateful for the light that already shines in our lives.  And I am grateful for the peace and joy that comes with believing that we are all meant to bring the light of love to our world.

We Can't Go Back in Time

Mary Oliver, in her book Thirst, captures an image that stays with me, and reminds me that every moment has the potential to be life changing, and we cannot get those moments back once they have passed.  How often have we moved through time unaware, and only in the looking back over our day do we see how Grace left her mark in a chance meeting, in a split decision that could have ended differently, in a moment that had we been looking, we would have been knocked over by the power of Grace breezing through our lives, filling us with joy.  We rush from place to place with a list in our heads, clouding out any visions we have of peace and calm.  In her poem, Mary captures an early morning chance visit, and then reminds us to be present because no matter how hard we try, we can never go back to that place in time.

The Place I Want to Get Back To

is where
in the pinewoods
in the moments between
the darkness

and first light
two deer
came walking down the hill
and when they saw me

they said to each other, okay,
this one is okay,
let’s see who she is
and why she is sitting

on the ground, like that,
so quiet, as if
asleep, or in a dream,
but, anyway, harmless;

and so they come
on their slender legs
and gazed upon me
not unlike the way

I go out to the dunes and look
and look and look
into the faces of the flowers;
and then one of them leaned forward

and nuzzled my hand, and what can my life
bring me that could exceed
that brief moment?
For twenty years

I have gone every day to the same woods,
not waiting, exactly, just lingering.
Such gifts, bestowed,
can’t be repeated.

If you want to talk about this
come to visit.  I live in the house
near the corner, which I have named
Gratitude.

~ Mary Oliver ~

THIRST

I write…

I write….

I write from the old rust colored chair in the corner of my bedroom by the window, where I can watch the sun move over the tops of houses and trees and the where the steam rises from my tea cup like morning prayers.

I write in a leather bound journal that houses a new notebook each time I scribble final words on the last page.

I write on my computer with thoughts flowing faster than my fingers can type, but I like the sound of my fingertips softly tapping the keys, changing single letters into words that create an artistic design, flowing easily from one idea to the next, eventually creating art to share.

I write from my heart the stories that have touched me as I travel on my journey; the people, the places, the sounds and experiences that shape my world.  I write about love and friendship, family, illness, heartbreak, women and the man I love, children and laughter and anything that pokes and tugs at my heart and reminds me that I am alive.

I write from past experiences; from poems about childhood friends, to teenage crushes to finding the young girl who was lost in childhood moments of darkness.  I write about love, children, and finding God in ordinary moments.  I write about a debilitating illness that nearly took my life, and the journey to discover me again.

I write in the present time, about breathing and sitting on the beach letting go of all that does not serve me.  I write about the sun coming through the window and the thoughts that dance around in my head.  When I write, I am present in my body, and all of me moves in rhythm as the words form on the page.

I write in moments of joy, when words leap out of me, bursting forth in color like the show of fall leaves, in red and orange and gold, in a glorious display that shouts “Life is good.”

I write when tears of sadness fall from my face and run with the ink, blotting out my words, as if that would erase the pain.  My pen carries the song of melancholy across the page, leaving a heart rendering piece that even years later still has the ability to bring the familiar wetness and sting to my eyes.

I write in moments of pain, when the screaming shows up in my hand wrapped tightly around a pen, intensely scratching out words across the page in dark deep indentations.  It is impossible to write small when angered passion rushes out in bold large letters that don’t fit neatly on the lines.

I write in moments of reflection, looking back on an experience and seeing how much I have grown, or not.  I write about who I was, who I long to become, and who I am in the present moment.   I write from my center, allowing God’s voice to take form in my own words, reminding me of my own divine likeness and energy.

I write about life, all the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the sad and the happy.  I am the words on the page, the object I write about and the experience that changes me. In the moment of writing, I am connected to all through a stream of consciousness that feeds my soul.   The very act of writing gives me life.

The Sunday Routine

The Sunday Routine

The board game is at least fifty years old.  And each time I open it, I remember Grandma:  her cookies, her giggle when she won at cards, her screwdriver drinks, the Broncos, and Scrabble.

My grandmother Mildred was a fixture at our house every Sunday when I was growing up.  After church, we would pick her up from her apartment close to downtown Ft. Collins and bring her home.  If my dad cooked, it was on Sunday morning when he prepared scrambled eggs and Jimmy Dean sausage to go with mom’s homemade cinnamon rolls.  My mother would begin to make a large batch of cookies, or put a pot roast in for dinner.  Breakfast was a time for sharing our stories of school and catching Grandma up on our lives.

On baking days, my brothers and I loved to sneak cookies out from underneath Grandma’s watchful eye.  We always won, and from the corner of Grandma’s mouth, a smile would form and her gentle chiding would let us know that a few cookies were enough.

Grandma was the only baker I knew who had mastered double layer baking without a timer.  She had a four cookie sheet system that none could beat.  One cookie sheet would go into the oven on the bottom rack while she scooped cookie dough onto the second sheet.  When it was time, the second sheet took its place on the bottom rack and the first sheet moved to the top.  By the time the cookies were cooling on the first cookie sheet, the fourth would be getting balls of dough.  It was a legitimate cookie factory, where enough cookies were made to last three growing children and friends a month.  We stored our cookies in one pound coffee cans, and put them all in the freezer.  When we came home from school, the coffee can would be out and 3 cookies would be in our hands before homework was tackled.  No Oreo could compare to the home baked love in those chocolate chip cookies, even frozen ones.  And the oatmeal raisin cookies bursting with cinnamon would win out over chocolate on some days.  What was really amazing was that Grandma never burned cookies, using only the timer in her head.  I always remember her on days when I am adventuresome yet unsuccessful and a batch of my cookies ends up burnt and in the trash.

On a regular basis, our family engaged in the friendly banter of cards.  31 and 99 were Grandma’s favorite games.  My dad would fix a batch of screwdrivers or margaritas (virgin for the kids) and that was Grandma’s fuel, along with some baked treat and apples, for our wonderful games.  I loved watching Grandma get excited about having the right cards to withstand her opponents; a king for 99, a ten to subtract, a nine to pass, a four to reverse.  Back and forth the intense lobby went until someone would forget to pick up a card, and the hand was over.  Grandma would giggle like a school girl after winning a whole pile of nickels.  It wasn’t like she spent them because they would be back out the next week, sometimes as my own ante, ready for another game.

There were times when life was too busy for all of us to sit down and play cards, and on those days, Grandma and I would play scrabble.  I think she got better as the years went by, sometimes even better after a second screwdriver.  She willingly put up with my three letter words while she would get bonus points for using all her letters.  Although I occasionally won, it was only because Grandma helped me get my “X” and “Q” on a triple score.   I remember the soft gentle touch of her hand on mine, the elegant look of her long fingers as she helped me place tiles on the board.  She was an amazing player, practicing during the week on her own, playing two hands against each other.  Mom and Dad finally bought Grandma a deluxe edition with a swivel board, and after she died, her old board game fell into my hands.

On school nights, while the girls are studying, Tony and I will often pour some wine and get out the Scrabble tiles.  The dictionary is close by as we learn the two letter words and the strategies to get higher counts on the tiles.  I used to beat Tony, but now he is beating me to the triple scores, and has even played all of his tiles for bonus points.  Sometimes during the day, when I need a break from work, I will pick up the tiles for two hands and play by myself.  I often wonder if Grandma is watching from heaven, prodding me and leading me to rearrange my letters into new adventuresome words.  Just maybe if I had one of Grandma’s love laced oatmeal raisin cookies, I could use all seven tiles at once.  No matter.  The sight of the old maroon board and the feel of the tiles in my hand remind me of my beloved beautiful grandmother Mildred who loved games, who drank a Sunday screwdriver, and who baked the best cookies in the whole world.